I like boats

I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget.

--A. Samberg, 2009

Generally speaking, people shouldn't go in the water. Our stupid skinny limbs make for poor propulsive instruments in anything thicker than air. Plus our air-sucking mouth holes don't work very well below sea level. I know what you're thinking.

Water is a refreshing way to cool off in these hot summer months. That neighborhood pond is looking awful attractive right now. Wouldn't it be nice to take a short dip?

Don't go in there. You're just gonna flop around like an injured seal. You'll get all pond scummy and I'm gonna have to drag you out. Don't put everyone through that.

Turns out that you're not the only one who's jonesin' for the ocean. Humans have been trying to quench the collective urge to submerge for millenia. Frustrated with the aforementioned physical limitations of the human body, one Sumerian man decided to tell God to S his D (literally!). After yelling a string of obscenities at the sky, James P. Boat swore an oath to invent the boat. The rest is history.

Mr. Boat, Circa 10,000 BCE

Boats are the brilliant solution to the cosmic tragedy of humans and water. We want what we can't have. An analogy is in order. You can force your way into Salma Hayek's home (ocean) but you'll be severely beaten by a crack team of Mexican assassins (drown). In this example a boat would be like a chef's outfit. It will let you get way closer than you normally would and maybe even smell her hair.

Ms. Hayek christening a boat. I know, relevant.

More than a symbolic gesture of spite toward a vengeful creator, boats are more fun than a barrel of very fun things. I don't own a boat, but my uncle married into a family that does.

Side note: ladies, start your engines. Boat engines, that is.

The feeling of exhilaration you get on the front of a boat is hard to describe. The calm water whips by beneath you and cool wind shears overhead. You can't get the same effect on land. Not to mention boats come with a whole variety of fun activities. From skiing to waterboarding, they've got you covered.

Kayaks and canoes count too. Paddling to the middle of a calm lake is a serene experience unlike any other.

Only caveat: Don't be this guy.

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