Tuesday, November 8, 2011

i like tarzan

so, in order to commemorate my return back to internet civilization, i'm writing a post about a person who was so far from civilization that he lived in the jungle with beasties and didn't shower and carried a panther around on his shoulders. isn't irony great?

all joking aside, i love tarzan. DON'T LAUGH THIS IS SERIOUS.

since the age of hhmmphshmph, i've been kind of weirdly, morbidly fascinated with the outdoors and like, being forced to live there and fend for yourself against the elements. you'd never guess it by my ghostly pale skin tone, but i've always considered myself a tad resourceful, and i would like to think i could possibly survive for like, maybe a couple of days if, say, my plane crashed in alaska and i was forced to make a hatchet and then befriend a pack of wolves and hunt caribou.

visual references/my childhood dream scenarios


but let's face it, we're all grown-ups, and unless i was being filmed for a reality tv show and was able to sleep in a hotel bed every night, i would die on the first night of survival. probably from typhoid or dysentery, one of those diseases that always fucked up your wagon party in oregon trail.

so, in this day and age, who can save us from our digital cages and return us to the great jungle of life? TARZAN. TARZAN CAN. HE CAAAAAAN.

tarzan is the ultimate male for every animal-loving, sun-shunning introverted adolescent girl that grew up. he's raw, he's potent, he's sensitive, he's attuned to nature.. he just gets it, man. he's the kind of guy who will show you how to break the neck of jungle bunnies in order to minimize their pain, but then when you're standing there in shock with rabbit blood on your hands all fatal attraction-like, he'll sweep away the canopy curtains to reveal a pristine waterfall and you'll forget all about how you've had way too many bananas lately and a weird chimpanzee keeps following you around and where are we and how exactly did i get here?

yeah.

needless to say, tarzan is one complicated dude. he's got a whole lot of history and lots of movies have been written about him but it's late and this is starting to sound a little crazy, so maybe we should just watch a little video instead. phil collins wrote the soundtrack to the disney tarzan movie, and you know if PHIL COLLINS writes a soundtrack, it means that phil collins has written a soundtrack (also, it's pritty pritty good).



so, to summarize: no shirt + no shoes + no social skills + no civilization = super.