Tuesday, November 8, 2011

i like tarzan

so, in order to commemorate my return back to internet civilization, i'm writing a post about a person who was so far from civilization that he lived in the jungle with beasties and didn't shower and carried a panther around on his shoulders. isn't irony great?

all joking aside, i love tarzan. DON'T LAUGH THIS IS SERIOUS.

since the age of hhmmphshmph, i've been kind of weirdly, morbidly fascinated with the outdoors and like, being forced to live there and fend for yourself against the elements. you'd never guess it by my ghostly pale skin tone, but i've always considered myself a tad resourceful, and i would like to think i could possibly survive for like, maybe a couple of days if, say, my plane crashed in alaska and i was forced to make a hatchet and then befriend a pack of wolves and hunt caribou.

visual references/my childhood dream scenarios


but let's face it, we're all grown-ups, and unless i was being filmed for a reality tv show and was able to sleep in a hotel bed every night, i would die on the first night of survival. probably from typhoid or dysentery, one of those diseases that always fucked up your wagon party in oregon trail.

so, in this day and age, who can save us from our digital cages and return us to the great jungle of life? TARZAN. TARZAN CAN. HE CAAAAAAN.

tarzan is the ultimate male for every animal-loving, sun-shunning introverted adolescent girl that grew up. he's raw, he's potent, he's sensitive, he's attuned to nature.. he just gets it, man. he's the kind of guy who will show you how to break the neck of jungle bunnies in order to minimize their pain, but then when you're standing there in shock with rabbit blood on your hands all fatal attraction-like, he'll sweep away the canopy curtains to reveal a pristine waterfall and you'll forget all about how you've had way too many bananas lately and a weird chimpanzee keeps following you around and where are we and how exactly did i get here?

yeah.

needless to say, tarzan is one complicated dude. he's got a whole lot of history and lots of movies have been written about him but it's late and this is starting to sound a little crazy, so maybe we should just watch a little video instead. phil collins wrote the soundtrack to the disney tarzan movie, and you know if PHIL COLLINS writes a soundtrack, it means that phil collins has written a soundtrack (also, it's pritty pritty good).



so, to summarize: no shirt + no shoes + no social skills + no civilization = super.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I Like This Useless Little Button

Hello again! Gather around friends, for I have a story to tell...

...Once upon a time there was a little boy, or perhaps in this story he was a somewhat older. Maybe he was around his early twenty's, handsome, broad shoulders, well defined jawline. Well, sorry to disappoint ladies. This story is not about that young man. It's actually about me, and here's how it goes:

Once upon a time, I began volunteering at a hospital. At first this hospital seemed just like any other hospital. It had doctors in white coats, and nurses in scrubs with large pockets to hold all their important stuff. The hospital, like all well run hospitals, was always well stocked with patients. On Friday this particular hospital would give out ice-creams to its employees. Everything seemed perfectly normal. There was nothing strange at all about the hospital with its doctors in white coats and nurses with large pockets.
Then one day, I happened upon an anomalously object in this perfect world. It was a discovery so remarkable that to this day I have yet to come to terms with its magnitude. (Its magnitude to be exact was about 3 inches by 5 inches). I managed to capture it on camera for the first time. I will share this first encounter with you now.
Yes! While it may look like a door, with a sign, and a nice placard announcing which floor you are on adjacent to the door, allow me to guide your eyes to the subject of this post:

This is it! An innocuous little button that cries out to the world, "Please kindly sir or madam, please push my button, that nicely illuminated for you." I anthropomorphize so because this little button responds to the brief pressure placed on it with an almost human expression of satisfaction.


"And what does my little button friend do," I asked, "aside from this modest expression of red to green."

"And what does this little button do," I hear your brain quietly echo.


Absolutely nothing! (Trust me I checked), and that's exactly why I like this useless button

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i like badasses

okay guys, back in the saddle. i apologize for my absence (i know you missed me, internet. i missed you too), and would like to blame college, killer of dreams/builder of lives/madhouse/henhouse/funhouse/hauntedhouse/outhouse/ (WOAH, sorry about that), but today's post is not going to be very long, mostly because it speaks for itself and in fact, would rather you just SHUT THE FUCK UP. and also, i have a government test tomorrow and should have read about 50 pages by about five minutes ago. ha, whoops.

sorry little gremlies, i didn't mean to drop the f-word this early in the evening, but i think it fits, because i'm talking about BADASSES, y'all. i like 'em. everybody likes 'em. they're neat, they're mean, they're green, and they make everybody have a little tingle of jealousy inside their heart of hearts (slash pants). and that's healthy, jealousy.. right?

the badass is nothing new to society. badasses have been around for as long as i can remember and then probably a little bit longer, and they come in all shapes and forms. i'm here to elucidate some of the more common badasses seen in society, and perhaps introduce you to the more unknown, hidden treasure trove badasses. come away with me.

this is your standard badass. revered by ladies and worshipped by fellas. he's shirtless and slightly scrawny, yes, but what he lacks in brute muscle, he makes up for in sheer at-ti-tude. look at that scarf! he's a-okay with his sexuality, and asks you, DARES YOU to question it. the ladies in the back did, and look how they ended up. SHIRTLESS and HAPPY (i guess the dudes did too? ... awkward).

see, this is where we start getting into new territory. everybody knows bill cosby as the kind-hearted, sweater wearing, pudding eating guy, but did you know that he's actually a stone cold killer? well, not really a killer (hopefully), but check out that cigar. that ain't your granddaddy's cigar (unless it is, cosby kin). and look at that look. that is the look of a man with a plan. he knows where's going in life. or went, maybe. is. he knows where he is. i like this because it's different. it's suprising. we all know bill cosby the lovable man, but were we ever aware of how genuinely cool this cat can be? we are now.

this picture is just following the train all the way to the (sesame street) station. as a child, never did i ever consider the possibility that big bird was not my friend, but in fact a winged freak in possession of a serious problem with library etiquette. (p.s. saigon market? we are we?)

i think i like this guy top-three-ish, because he's badass for all the wrong/right reasons. what makes him badass is not the studded jacket or the scuffed boots or the skyscraper hairstyle, but the look of sheer laughter/appreciation/enjoyment at the little boy's curiosity. he seems sweet, and that's one of the most badass things of all: a good heart.

enough with the sentiment. WOLVES, Y'ALL. wolves are 1) the most badass of all animals and 2) i want to be one. maybe. probably not. but the fact remains that whether they're eatin' little peters (like, peter and the wolf. don't be gross), living with little julies, or swallowing little red riding hoods, wolves are on top. unless you're sarah palin.

i wanted to include this picture to show that the term badass is not solely limited to those blessed with the y chromosome.. heh. rather, female badasses come from some of the most interesting places, showing us a face full of makeup and a beautiful traditional garment does not a pushover make. also, she's flipping us the bird. that's just classic.

so, i guess what i'm saying is, if you ever want to become the ultimate badass, or maybe just pretend to be one for a day, be bill cosby, or a wolf, or a geisha. i'll like you.