Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i like filters

camera filters: what are they? where did they come from? who do they benefit? who did they vote for? where can i find one?

all these questions and more are going to be answered in today's highly technical blog post, brought to you by the left side of my brain.

first, let's get straight to the heart of the matter:
1) q. what are they?
a. filters are photographic accessories that, when used properly, can allow the photographer to alter or fine-tune the picture being taken. made out of either transparent glass or plastic, they come in handy whenever environmental conditions are not entirely desirable, or just not what you're looking for (i.e., not cool enough). filters either are screwed on the front of the lens (called the lens thread), or utilized via a lens mount, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like (for the hearing impaired: a little holder thing into which the filter slides). they do a bunch of different things, including but not limited to:
-polarizing
-illusionizing
-color correctizing
-uv reduzing
-automatically making you look professional-zing

2)q. where did they come from?
a. uh, i think britain. the earliest record of existence i could find was an article describing how this one british guy was like, "it's all about primary colors, y'all."

3.)q. who do they benefit?
a. anyone. anyone in the world, ever. have you ever looked at a neat photograph and thought, "that looks neat"? someone was probably using a filter for it. you're welcome.

4.) q. who did they vote for?
a. sources say they voted for ross perot, but i heard a rumor they wrote in jay z. believe what you want.

5.) where can i find one?
a. i don't know. your camera store? online? i'm not your mother.

...yeah, that wasn't very technical.

more or less.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I like Barbershop Quartets

I have to get something off my chest. I really don't like musicals. The songs get awkward, especially when they're not well known show tunes. Regardless, I usually end up seeing several every year.

Last Sunday I caught Zilker Theatre Productions' performance of The Music Man. Compared to last year's rendition of Beauty and the Beast, the show was abysmal. None of the actors were really at fault. The plot moved slower than a slowpoke walking through a molasses factory in a very slow way.

Fortunately, there was a creamy center of redemption in this cyanide-laced twinkie. In fact, this high fructose nugget was partitioned into little chocolate and vanilla sections.
The Chocolate: Unintentionally funny references to author Honoré de Balzac. I don't think I need to spell that out for you.
The Vanilla: Prominent use of a barbershop quartet.

Barbershop quartets are remarkable for a few reasons.
Men are generally oafish and unappealing. Look in any men's magazine. It's full of women. Look in a women's magazine. Also full of women!
That's why it's so surprising when you get an acoustically pleasing product out of four otherwise uninteresting individuals.

Clip from a film version:


I don't think I'm the only one who enjoys this. Youtube commenters eat this stuff up:


maverick6589 (3 weeks ago)
the chord at 3:01 literally made me jizz in my pants

And finally, a funny one:

Monday, July 20, 2009

i like HOUSES

alright guys, it's time. i've been saving this post up for a while, but now it's too much to handle and i'm going to unleash it into the world.

i really, really like houses. i don't really know what else to say, but it's not because i can't think of anything, but rather, i could say so much that i don't know where to start. houses, to me, are like the mecca of comfort. depending on the furnishings, a house is capable of going beyond its four(+) walls and becoming a place of unlimited possibilities, but my house has always been a place for me to recharge. a retreat, of sorts. for that reason, i love cozy little cottages and snug dens; basically, any place with warm lighting and a close-knit feel. i've taken to finding pictures off the internet of the houses/rooms i like, and here are some (read: a lot).

i love how this is done. often, a somewhat futuristic style like this ends up coming off as cold and medical, with lots of metals and whites, but this is a beautiful example of how modern/unconventional choices can still be comfortable.

the grandma in me loves this old-fashioned look. the books and the pillows are perfectly paired with the old pictures on the walls, but i also admire the metal-looking lamp, which keeps this style in the twenty-first century.

again, the warm lighting and rounded lines wins. actually, i'm not exactly sure if i like this whole room. the style seems a little bit confused as which direction it wants to go (the island-ish prints on the couch? the spiky plant? the egg light?) but i think it more or less works.

so this isn't a room, per se, but i'm more taken with the feeling behind the picture. i love the way the colder colors are warmed up by the natural light. very simplistic and rustic, in a way.

so, in contrast to the closed-in, cozy look, i also love huge, open areas. when the two are combined, it's beautiful.

so, maybe i still have an inner child, and maybe it's always been in love with canopies like this. this looks like a treehouse, too. and a round bed? perfection!

i absolutely adore the openness in this, and the closeness with nature. and it looks so easy to construct! why don't i have one?

there's not really a style i'm looking at here, but the spirit. the spirit of, "can this be every day?!" in other words, houses should be fun.

gorgeous lighting, here, and excellent color choices. actually, i'm not sure if the yellow is because of the lighting, but either way, it's well-done. the umbrella light fixture is a cute touch too.

again with the canopy. like the cleanness of this as well.

if i had a crazy aunt, i'd imagine she'd live in an apartment like this, and we'd be best friends.

i love everything about this picture/room. it's beautiful, natural, and eclectic, and i would like to live there right now, please.

this seems like a modern-day rapunzel tower to me. it's sparse, but in a way that suggests a desire for simplicity, instead of a lack of resources. oh hey look, a canopy too.

interesting angles, and a very unique wall decoration. i'd imagine martha stewart would own something like this. or alice in wonderland. not sure why.if this house were mine, it would be the end of my social life. i'd sit here forever looking dreamy, refusing to leave my spot on the comfortable couch, and waste my life away. but it would be great.

this is the ultimate in coziness. bent ceilings make everything better.

okay, i'm kind of tired of posting pictures, but you get the gist of it. blah blah blah, my life goal is to own a gorgeous house. the end.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

i like OJ

this isn't a joke. this isn't child's play. this isn't something you can forget about. this is SERIOUS. this is FOR REAL. this is the kinda shit you read about in the paper. we're talking headlines. we're talking MAJOR headlines. and you know what the best part is? it's NOT GOING AWAY. do you think i can do this every day and stay sane? do you think i don't know what this is like? i have to LIVE this. EVERY DAY. and sometimes it scares me. it scares me, because i don't know what's next. sure, i can do this today. but what about tomorrow? what about the next day? what next? no, don't look at me. don't smile. don't act like you care. you DON'T care. ORANGE JUICE is SERIOUS business, and you can't handle it. YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT. so just go back home, go back to your STRAWBERRY BANANA juice and just forget what you've seen here. BECAUSE THIS IS RAW.


seriously, we're talking like 4+ cups a day.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

i like paint


i want a room of every color.

Friday, July 3, 2009

I like Iranian Protesters

And by protesters I mean the women. The real reason that Ayatollah Khamenei and the Lyrical Clerical Brohans keep such tight political and social control over the populace is not to preserve islamic ideals, but to hide a formidable cache of weapons-grade babetonium.

Only boy band-turned-theocracy in the Middle East

How attractive are these people? Let's ask current president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
"Daaamn, girl."
"In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you that we have it."

---Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia University
That should be enough proof for anyone, but I've included some visual aids below.

Simmering political anger has boiled over the crockpot of oppression, giving the West a rare glimpse into the zesty rice-based stew that is Iran. Check it out.





I like my women how I like my congressional districts: politically active.






"Wanna go see a movie later? Throw rocks at shit? Sounds good. Pick you up at 8".

Westsiiiiiide!

Suitors beware. Approach one of these pretty Persians and receive a dildo beating from the state police.

No gays here.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

i like eggs

I LOVE EGGS! i would scream this from the rooftop (of a chicken coop, on a chicken farm, wearing a chicken suit), and then after i did that i would go inside and eat some eggs..... actually, forget about the syntax and flow of that sentence. let's just talk about eggs, okay?

eggs are a touchy topic. everywhere you look, someone is railing against eggs and spouting all their bad qualities, but i say enough is enough. eggs are here to stay, and you'd better get on the egg train before it leaves the station. mister.

people don't like eggs because they're high in cholesterol and are willing to banish them from the refrigerator for this fact before actually doing their research. eggs are high in cholesterol, yes, but it's saturated fats that make your blood goopy, not dietary cholesterol itself. it's complicated, i know. if you don't believe me, read a book.

people also don't like eggs because they're actually tiny chickens. i can see the logic in that. it's kind of weird, if you think about it really hard, but personally i'm not a fan of thinking really hard. i just like eggs. that's all. (disclaimer: we buy free-range hen eggs, so i'm really a good person, i promise)

reasons you should eat eggs:
1) they're vitanutritious. that means they're full of vitamins and are therefore nutritious. these vitamins include ones like choline (integral to the development of unborn kids' memories. ironically, eating fetuses is good for fetuses.), vitamin d, and vitamin k. eggs also contain all essential amino acids, but anyone with a brain could tell you that's because you're basically eating dna.
2) eggs contain carotenoids, which help lower the risk of developing cataracts. unborn cheepers are good for your peepers! haaaahahahah i should be on stage.
3) eggs are good for your hair and nails. they just are.

my favorite way of eating eggs is over medium. i like having the egg whites slightly goldened, with the yolk solid around the edge but yolky in the middle. or, if the yolk breaks (which it does, always), then i don't fry it for as long.

um, anyway.

these are beautiful eggs.

this is a beautiful breakfast (minus the potatoes)

this is a beautiful fantasy

lynx
egg fax
beautiful eggs
breakfast of champions

behind the scenes: i said "egg" twenty-one times.

I like boats

I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget.
--A. Samberg, 2009

Generally speaking, people shouldn't go in the water. Our stupid skinny limbs make for poor propulsive instruments in anything thicker than air. Plus our air-sucking mouth holes don't work very well below sea level. I know what you're thinking.

Water is a refreshing way to cool off in these hot summer months. That neighborhood pond is looking awful attractive right now. Wouldn't it be nice to take a short dip?

Don't go in there. You're just gonna flop around like an injured seal. You'll get all pond scummy and I'm gonna have to drag you out. Don't put everyone through that.

Turns out that you're not the only one who's jonesin' for the ocean. Humans have been trying to quench the collective urge to submerge for millenia. Frustrated with the aforementioned physical limitations of the human body, one Sumerian man decided to tell God to S his D (literally!). After yelling a string of obscenities at the sky, James P. Boat swore an oath to invent the boat. The rest is history.

Mr. Boat, Circa 10,000 BCE

Boats are the brilliant solution to the cosmic tragedy of humans and water. We want what we can't have. An analogy is in order. You can force your way into Salma Hayek's home (ocean) but you'll be severely beaten by a crack team of Mexican assassins (drown). In this example a boat would be like a chef's outfit. It will let you get way closer than you normally would and maybe even smell her hair.

Ms. Hayek christening a boat. I know, relevant.

More than a symbolic gesture of spite toward a vengeful creator, boats are more fun than a barrel of very fun things. I don't own a boat, but my uncle married into a family that does.

Side note: ladies, start your engines. Boat engines, that is.

The feeling of exhilaration you get on the front of a boat is hard to describe. The calm water whips by beneath you and cool wind shears overhead. You can't get the same effect on land. Not to mention boats come with a whole variety of fun activities. From skiing to waterboarding, they've got you covered.

Kayaks and canoes count too. Paddling to the middle of a calm lake is a serene experience unlike any other.

Only caveat: Don't be this guy.

Click to play.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

i like underwater

pictures.

i also like being underwater, probably more than i like being abovewater, or outsidewater, or halfinwater, or nowherenearwater.










i WILL be a mermaid when i grow up.